


Keep Me Near

by blatant_rusted



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Kanda and his feels, M/M, Sad Lavi is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:20:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23479123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blatant_rusted/pseuds/blatant_rusted
Summary: Some days regret hits hard. Other days, life can show you something beautiful. Kanda hasn't gotten over his feelings about Allen and isn't sure he can move on. Lavi lives in the past, trying to escape his present.
Relationships: Howard Link/Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu/Lavi
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1: Shock

A loud knock at the front door woke Allen from his sleep. Without opening his eyes, he knew who the visitor was but he did not want to get out of bed. He tried nudging his partner awake but either it didn't work or Link was good at pretending to be asleep.

"Link, get the door, will ya?" Allen muttered through his pillow. Link was still asleep, too deep in his REM cycle to hear him. Allen sighed, he could never wake Link up to get the door on mornings. He would have to do it himself.

"You're making me apple pie for the entire week for this," he mumbled, half asleep.

He hesitated for a moment, thinking that there was no one at the door only for the echoing of wood being pounded to resonate through the apartment. Throwing off the covers, he slowly left the warmth of his bed and exposing himself to the cold room. It had been -12 Celsius for the past three days. The heater was broken; he would have to get it fixed. The only true warmth he felt emnated from Link when they shared the bed for the night. Finding his phone, he checked the time. It was barely 5:30 am, too early to be up. Putting on a thick wool robe, Allen slowly made his way towards the door. He should have put on some socks at least; the floor was like ice. He would have gone back for them but the incessant knocking of the door bothered him to no end.

"Who is it?" he asked, only as a formality. His eyes were still partially closed despite the cold having him alert.

"Who do you think you beansprout?" The voice on the other side of the door sounded irritated with having to wait.

"Dammit," he said quietly to himself, "Why him...this early in the morning..."

"Hurry up; I'm freezing my ass off here."

"Alright, alright," Allen chirped, clearly becoming irritated. The metal door knob was too cold for skin contact so he had to wrap his hand in his t-shirt to open it. Kanda stood on the other side of the door, still having to look down to meet his eyes due to the height difference. He walked passed Allen into the apartment he and Link shared. It wasn't much to look at. The small apartment was painted a dull, light shade of grey. Some of the paint was beginning to fade and peel off from years of neglect. Allen was not allowed to make changes unless the landlord authorized them and he guessed he would have to wait another two months for the decision. The small kitchen and dining room were connected with one another and gave almost little room to manuvre. The even smaller living area was occupied by a couch, tv and books. He had never seen inside the bathroom but was sure it was the same as all the other rooms: cramped. The faint rustle of sheets in the other room gave the indication that Link was now awake.

"Oh, he's still here?" Kanda scoffed.

"Well, we are together so of course he'd be here," Allen replied tonelessly.

Link walked up to the two of them, not at all bothered by the cold it seemed since he was only clad in his pyjama bottoms. He placed an arm around Allen's shoulders, pulling him in. Even now with his bare chest exposed to the elements, Link radiated heat. Allen had been shivering and was grateful for the warmth. He knew what was coming, every visit was like a finely tuned play of words. Some days, he wished Link wouldn't stoke the fire.

"Well hello there Kanda," Link yawned, "also answering your question, I am still here. Why wouldn't I be here? After all, don't we always strive to be close to the ones we love?"

"Shut your mouth asshole, I wasn't talking to you. I'm only here to talk to the beansprout," Kanda spat.

"It's Allen"

"What?" 

"It's Allen, not beansprout and I'd advise that while you're a guest in OUR apartment, you'd show him some respect," Link pulled Allen closer to emphasise the point. 

"You know what, I don't need this today," Kanda turned ready to walk out of the door he had entered not five minutes ago. 

"Well, if you had told him how you feel then maybe you'd be in my place...no?"

Link smiled as Kanda stopped in his tracks. They both had strong feelings for Allen but Link was the one who fessed up first without knowing that Allen felt the same way. Kanda always thought that he would be the decided winner in this, having knownand worked with Allen for a longer period. That it would be him who would be with him always. But she was too shy, too proud to tell Allen his feelings. Deep inside him, he knew it had cost him. It seemed to him that Allen and Link had grown even closer than before and that they were content with living in this tiny, cramped space they called home.

"Do you remember Lavi?" Kanda asked.

"Lavi?" Allen perked up, "Yeah, I remember him! How is he? Haven't heard from him in a long time"

"He's in the hospital, tried to hang himself."

Before Allen, Kanda's only male friend came in the form of a red haired boy named Lavi. He was known for always wearing a scarf and an eyepatch over his right eye for reasons he didn't speak about. Though Kanda found him annoying, they became best of friends spending many nights in Lavi's room talking. They shared experiences, hopes, dreams and personal issues which did not come easily for Kanda. This shared trust had led Kanda to confide his feelings about Allen in Lavi. The ginger haired boy encouraged him to tell Allen but Kanda hadn't listened to him. He was to idiotic to listen. In turn, it was Kanda who had advised Lavi when he found himself between a rock and a hard place.

Lavi had been in love with a German woman named Miranda for the past four months. He tried to convince his grandfather that this was the girl for him, that his feelings were real. Bookman was a stubborn old man who believed in the art and tradition of arranged marriages and had even arranged for Lavi to meet with a Chinese girl named Meiling. When Lavi objected to this, his grandfather gave him two choices; Miranda or his love and blessing. It was in Kanda's room that Lavi cried for three days straight. In the end, he had chosen Miranda. She was a fragile thing and she was easily frightened but when around Lavi, she seemed to flourish. In the year Kanda had seen them together, Miranda's will had grown stronger but her health had waned. The last time he saw Lavi was at her funeral. His grandfather had come to claim him once more and Lavi left without so much as a word. He periodically called from time to time to just talk to Kanda but he mostly didn't say much, just exchanging pleasantries and a few details about his life before having to rush off to run errands with Bookman.

"Kanda?" Allen waved a hand in front his face, bringing him back to reality. Why was he even here? Did he really want to see this through?

"Che." Kanda tried to move past Allen when he felt someone grab onto his ponytail and pull him back. Allen closed the door and the two of them dragged Kanda to the couch. They stood above him, arms folded and watched him. Allen knew something was wrong. Link was just helping his lover. Kanda didn't look at either of them. He just stared at the floor. Allen dropped to his knees, lifting Kanda's chin and looked at him directly in the eyes.

"I never thought I'd hear this…I think you should go see him. He regarded you as his best friend…"

"I've already tried. He's not taking visitors. Bookman's orders." Kanda got up slowly, opened the door left without looking at Allen or Link. They didn't try to stop him this time. He needed his space and they sensed it. Link helped Allen off the floor.

"It's a cold Saturday, isn't it?" he asked. Link just nodded.

"I'll make you some pie later. Let's go back to sleep, shall we?" Link had begun to notice the cold,pores raising to help preserve the warmth of his skin. Allen nodded and followed him to the bedroom. He crawled back under the covers but the bed had gone cold. It was going to take a while for it to warm up. Link wrapped his arms around Allen and drew him close. Allen was always grateful for the warmth that Link gave him. He hadn't known Lavi too well but he had regarded him as a friend.

"I can't think of why he would try to hang himself, you know?" he whispered.

Link leaned in close to him, pulled him tighter and gently kissed his forehead. He hadn't known Lavi as well as Allen but he knew him to be a friendly sort of person. Never down in spirits and always willing to lend a hand. 

"We'll try to see him later today if you want," he said, the words half muffled by Allen's hair.Allen could say nothing but just nod in agreement


	2. Chapter 2: Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavi lies through the skin of his teeth, Kanda ensures no one says the wrong thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little slow to start, I know. From chapter 3, we should see more of Lavi and Kanda. thanks for your patience!  
> It's been a long time, I'm getting used to writing and doing plotlines again

No one had seen Yuu Kanda in three days. Allen tried to call him several times since he left their apartment but either he had let the battery on his phone run dry or switched it off completely. It was hard to tell with Kanda as he kept a low profile normally. There would be times he would be totally off grid but somehow, this felt different; it felt off. Something dropped to the pit of his stomach and left him without an appetite, a fact that Link could not ignore. He had made several pies and a complex meals in an effort to get his partner to eat which only led to a fully stocked fridge of leftovers.

They had gone to the hospital, the NA Center of Health, to see if they could visit Lavi. It hasn't gone well for either of them. Bookman sat in the corridor entrance to the ward Lavi was stationed in and refused to allow the visit. Allen was too in a daze to remember all that was said. Something along the lines of Lavi being in too bad of a shape to take visitors. Link has taken charge with reason but reason just was not enough to convince Bookman to let them through. Link wondered if Kanda had been in to see Lavi again. Bookman insisted otherwise. No friends would be allowed, especially Kanda who had helped Lavi in his decision to forgo tradition. They left the hospital feeling utterly exhausted. 

Allen had withdrawn into himself; he was a very emotional man, taking situations like these hard and taking it out on himself. He would drop everything and go to their aid if they called him. There were times he had jumped right out of bed at the most ungodly of times with a call from Lenalee, his closest friend and confidant. It was hard to see him, slumped into the couch, barely paying attention to the book he pretended to read. 

"Howard," Allen called from across the room, "do you think Kanda will visit soon? I'm getting worried."

"I don't know. Maybe he's just in one of his usual moods," he shrugged, working on a new dish, " You know how he gets sometimes."

"Don't you find it strange that we weren't allowed to visit Lavi?" Allen closed the book.

Picking up his phone, he checked for any messages from his former rival. Nothing since the visit three days ago. Allen grimaced, threw the phone onto an empty seat and went promptly to bed. 

\--------

A week had passed with no word from Kanda or Bookman. Both refused to return Allen's calls. Lenalee reported the same thing, sitting across from Allen and Link in a small cafe close to her home. Kanda would at least answer her calls if no one else and this worried her. They had been friends from childhood, bonding over a shared trauma that was their early boarding school life. He would ignore most people, but he wouldn't ignore her. She fussed with a few strands of her emerald hair, though dyed only a month before, its true dark hue showed at the roots. 

"You know, I don't know why he wouldn't answer us," the strand wound tight on her fingers, "It's really not like him. I'm worried Allen."

"I'm worried too, the bastard always pops back up but..." Allen's voice trailed off into silence. His eyes grew wider at the couple coming into the cafe. 

Lavi burst in gayly, all smiles and a pep in his step and his usual garb. Patterned eyepatch, bomber jacket and a scarf to match. The man with him, looking agitated to be in his presence was none other than Kanda.  
"Is that... Is that Lavi?" he managed to croak quietly, "Don't turn around Lena, act natural. I don't think they see us" "What do you mean act natural Allen? How is Lavi EVEN out of the hospital? When did he get out?" Lenalee made a move to turn but Allen held her head in pace with both hands. 

"Allen, what are you doing?" she tried to move his hands away only to be met by Link's in turn.

"Let them see us first, it's strange the way he's acting," Link looked her in the eyes. It was enough to make her stop and calm herself. She wanted to look over, wanted to call to them but she could see where her friends were coming from. 

Allen continued to watch and wonder what the fuck was going on. He hadn't heard anything about Lavi being discharged, yet alone being in the city this long after. The last time he has spoken to the ginger, he was with his grandfather in a rural town, his ancestral home. They stay in the city hospital made sense, it was the only one around aside from a few clinics in the smaller towns and the suburbs. If anything, he figured Lavi would have gone right back home after his stay. Bookman was strict about the rules for his successor to the business. At least, that's what Allen thought anyway. 

With a nudge from Link, he stopped directly staring and turned his attention. The blond had begun a story of his days as an Inspector for the local university task groups. It was a story Allen particularly enjoyed and loathed simultaneously; the day they met. He tried to look normal, sipping at the mocha in front of him but it fell flat. He couldn't focus on anything when he heard the tone of Lavi's voice ordering food and drinks. Kanda didn't look too pleased to be in such a crowded cafe but the again, when did the bastard ever have a different face on him? Sighing, he resigned himself to focusing on the people in front of him, mainly Lenalee who was also trying to tell a story to pass the time. When had Link finished his? 

"Ah Allen! Lena Lady!" 

Snapping out of the conversation, the three looked to the source of the greeting. It was Lavi, on his way over to the table. Though they tried to hide their confusion, the ginger pretended not to notice but Allen could swear he saw the slightest of grimaces coming from him. 

"Oy, Kanda you bastard, you never returned Allen's calls. What do you have to say for yourself?" Link folded his arms, looking upwards to glare at the navy haired man.

"I didn't know I was beholden to a Beansprout," Kanda smirked in return. The rivalry between the two ignited and threatened to consume the conversation. Lenalee took this as a sign. 

"Lavi," Lenalee started "When did you-"

"Aww Lena did old Panda get ya worried for no reason? God the old man's so melodramatic over a lil pneumonia, "he scratched the back of his head.  
"But Kanda said-"

"Aww yeah, Yuu was just another victim of Gramps. He got ya all worried, sorry!"

Lavi was clearly lying about his stay in the hospital but no one dared to push it any further once they saw Kanda's glare behind Lavi. That look alone said enough. Lavi was living in denial about what happened and if it made him feel any better, they would let him have it this once. Maybe in time, he'd tell them what really happened but right now, he was here and he was smiling. 

"So what are you doing in the city? Just visiting or staying for a bit?"Lenalee smiled. She tried to make it believable but she knew she was failing.

"Staying for a while, Gramps decided to let up on the training for a bit. He said I could use a change of scenery and a vacation. Oh I missed the smog in the air and the weird smells from the alleys though I'd kill to be on a beach on Tahiti with a supermodel heeehee" 

The moment seemed to hang in the air, both parties feeling the awkwardness of the situation despite the cleverly placed joke. Allen gulped, taking a long sip of his now cold coffee while Link blended into the background. Lenalee, as always and bless her sweet heart, looked as though she was on the verge of tears. She desperately wanted to say something to bring it back to reality but the wrods were caught in her throat. The saving grace was the barista calling Lavi's name, signifying their order was ready. It was packaged to go, a wave of relief washing over the trio. Kanda was left at the table with the gang, allowing Lavi to get out of airshot before addressing the situation. 

"You should learn to pretend better. This was pathetic, even by your standards Beansprout. No time to explain anything, not my business anyway." Kanda was to the point, "I'll text you later Lena."

With that, he turned and walked to meet Lavi who had just received the order. They left in silence, Lavi pulling Kanda by the arm; this time in some level of urgency.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3: Anger

Lavi wasn't one to kid around when he was alone with Kanda. It was the one space he felt he could be himself and not have to pretend. He was probably the only friend Lavi had that he could be vulnerable around. Kanda was only a call away most times and Lavi treasured the few minutes each week he was allowed to have verbal connection to the older male. It was the only time he could share unspoken feelings through the guise of a weekly update.

Bookman had been even stricter since having him move back home. The rules had indeed changed and Lavi found himself being constantly supervised. He thought publishing was hard before but Bookman made the past feel like a dream. Now wasn't the time to think of that. Now wasn't the time to think about how weak he had been to end up alone and tied to a bed. What had the past week even been like? He found himself struggling to remember.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kanda's voice brought him back to reality, "Oy, Lavi."

"Talk about what?" his voice, barely more than a whisper. Catching himself, he wondered how long he had been staring at his teacup. How long had he been silent, watching his tea turn cold. 

"Bookman. Makes all that effort to take you home and suddenly just leaves you here. On my doorstep."

"You know Gramps," he couldn't look up. Couldn't bring himself to look Kanda in the eyes, "He is the way he is sometimes. There's no telling with him. He just..."

Kanda grunted, acknowledging Lavi's hesitation to continue as a sign that he just wasn't ready to speak about what happened. In reflection, it's the opposite of what he would have done years ago. Kanda's style has always been to ignore the feelings of those around him and push for the truth all while pretending not to care. He had changed since then, having learnt to be open with those he cared for. When it wasn't Lavi, he would sometimes talk to Lenalee who was always ready to listen. Straightening his moss green t-shirt, he stood. Taking the cup from a now unresponsive Lavi, he ventured into the kitchen to clean up the remnants of breakfast. 

Lavi barely had an appetite and without Kanda being there, he doubted being able to stomach the small amount of food that was placed in front of him. He supposed while he was here, he would have to follow Kanda's instructions of taking care of himself. Eating and staying hydrated was the most important, followed by laying on the couch when his new roommate went to work. He wasn't made to do chores and he wasn't made to resume a sense of normalcy, small mercies from someone who could be as strict as the old Panda himself. In the few days he has been here, Kanda applied for his vacation days; all three months of accumulated leave Lavi had almost begged him not to but it was insisted that it was needed. 

Today was going to be the same as the past few, with the exception of having Kanda at home but he was made to understand they'd just do whatever Lavi felt like doing. If he just wanted to vegetate on the couch and watch tv, then they'd do that. Wanting to take a walk outside in the nearby park? They would do it. Yuu was obviously just trying to be supportive but it made Lavi feel fragile. It made him feel weak on every level, like a child who had no control over themselves and needed an adult. It was a mix of emotion he couldn't put a name on, threatening to boil over. 

He dragged himself from the table to the couch and as he sat down, felt the energy leave his body. Adjusting his eyepatch, he sank further into the couch and reached for his scarf... Which was still on the table. Inwardly groaning, he would just have to do without it for the moment. His body was too heavy to get up, it wanted to rest while his mind raced. The world was too hazy for him, too confusing. This whole week had been confusing to him, his mind felt constantly on the edge.

"Do you want your scarf?" Kanda called out. 

"You must think I'm too pathetic to get it myself," he replied without giving it any thought, "I must be this insufferable child to you, isn't that right?"

"What are you talking about?" the voice was closer to him. Looking up, his orange scarf dangling above him with a Kanda attached to it. "I just saw you left it on the table."

"Very funny Yuu." Reaching for the accessory, Kanda held it just out of reach, "Now give me it."

"You'll get it when you explain what you just said. How have I made you feel like a child?" Folding his arms, the scarf now firmly out of reach, Kanda simply looked down and into Lavi's eyes.

Groaning, he manged to lift himself off the cushions and attempted to pull the scarf away. Kanda would not budge and he found himself using more energy than previously planned. The cool air from the ventilation system hit the exposed neck, making him painfully aware of what was visible and Lavi begun to panic. "Yuu, I don't wanna talk about it," he pulled harder, "Don't push it, please." "I'm not pushing it. I just don't understand why you would think I view you as some sort of child. You've barely spoken a word, missed your doctor's appointment and now this" 

"You took time off to stay home and watch me," he was unable to keep a cool voice, irritation rising with being unable to hide the marks, "I must be a child to you!"

"I'm not watching you. I'm jus-" Kanda was cut short by a sudden slap to the face. Caught off guard by the force, his arms unfolded, losing grip on the orange fabric. His face stung and it took every ounce within him not to be angered by it. Lavi just stood there, scarf in one hand and the other still hanging in the air, tears forming in his eyes.

"It's not like I wanted to be here!" he sobbed, "It's not like I wanted to be a burden to everyone!" He wasn't sure if he was shouting or not, the words just didn't want to stop coming out. 

"I didn't ask for Gramps to... To just abandon me..." bringing his hands to his face, he looked at Kanda through his fingers. The other male simply stood there, listening to what he had said. It made him feel weak, too vulnerable even in the presence of his best friend. In one smooth motion, Kanda stepped forward and wrapped the scarf around his neck. He placed both arms on the other's shoulders and sat him down, guiding him back to the couch. 

"You're an idiot but you're not a burden, you Rabbit. If you're angry, then be angry."

It was all Kanda needed to say on the matter. He knew where the outbursts were coming from, simple acts can trigger such a response after a traumatic event. He had once been in this state, though years ago but he could still remember what it felt like to be powerless. Sitting next to Lavi, he turned on the television and started flicking through channels. Daytime wasn't really his cup of tea but with nothing else to watch aside from talk shows and reruns, it seemed like the perfect content to not pay attention to. Settling on a particularly boring show, they watched in silence.

He woman on the show wasn't half bad, Kanda admitted. She seemed more level headed than her male co-host though he had long tuned out of the conversation taking place. He leaned back into the couch, assuming a lazier posture than he'd have normally for the sake of just being around. Lavi's sobs had quieted and he too stared blankly at the screen, face half hidden, his eyes red and puffy. With nothing else to do and nothing he wanted to do, he opted to lay down, head on Kanda's lap. There was no thought to it, no reason for it other than he didn't want to feel alone. He didn't even stop to think it strange nor did he notice his friend automatically tense with the unexpected contact. The world was quiet, it was all he wanted.

Kanda didn't know how to deal with the contact. It wasn't unlike Lavi to be affectionate, the man had physically clung to him through boarding school and into university. He would have liked to think it was no different yet this was a new level of vulnerability than he was used to. He had never had anyone lay on him in this manner before, sure they've leaned on him and Lenalee often held his hand but having someone rest on his lap was well... awkward. This would be a long day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit difficult to express in words. It is common to hold anger within oneself after something bad happens, Lavi would be no different. It is also common in times like this to become paranoid about people's true intentions. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4: Bargaining

Lavi wasn't in the mood to bargain, let alone go out to see anyone. Though three weeks had passed, he didn't have the energy to socialize. At home, he didn't need to talk to Kanda or even look in his general direction. He had been left to his own devices for the most part, including feeding himself. It wasn't much but it felt like freedom when compared to being handed a plate three times a day. His daily routine had taken a slight turn now including the addition of cooking small meals for himself. It has been years since he last had to rely on his own skills and it showed in the taste. 

So how was it he found himself sitting across from Allen and Link in a crowded cafe? Lavi wasn't sure about that himself. He had just needed to get out of the apartment. He needed alone time and slipped out without Kanda noticing, not that the workaholic would be, seeing as he brought home a hefty stack of papers to go through. He made his way to Cho's, the closest cafe to him, in case he needed a quick getaway. He wasn't expecting to run into anyone he knew at the time while simultaneously forgetting it was a Saturday.

Allen and Link often came to the cafe for the warmth and for the background noise. While the quiet was lovely at home, it was also unbearable at times. It's not that Allen didn't mind the silence but it did bring back certain painful memories when the mind was left to wander. He often thought about Mana when alone for extended periods. Here, there was always something that could pique his attention; always something that could take him out of his own headspace. Link accompanied him as he enjoyed his company and the week left little time to be with the ones you love amidst the business of the semester. Allen fared no better, having always been adept at music, he worked as an in house composer for piano accompaniment which left little free time. 

Lavi had just walked into the wrong place at the wrong time. Usually, he would scan the room for anyone he knew but today, he just felt so out of it. He ordered his usual; sweet dessert with black coffee. Milk wasn't needed since passively dunking the dessert in the coffee always sweetened it just enough for him. It didn't take long to fill the order for collection and only when he turned to face the room, did he realize just how crowded the caf was at this time. There were very few seats available, mostly the ones he didn't like. Three near the entrance hall to the restrooms and one near the employee entrance. He would have to settle for one of those but as he waved his way through the maze of tables, he heard a voice call out to him.

"Lavi!"

_Just great._ He turned to see none other than Allen waving at him accompanied by a sombre looking Link. They were stationed in a booth with enough seating for two more people. Allen was clearly motioning for him to come sit with them. Lavi didn't really want to sit with them, he wanted to be alone but it was better than what was available so he put on the best smile he could muster and went to their table. 

"It's been a while since we've seen you. How have you been?" Allen was quick to the chase. 

"Hey guys, you come here often? This is prime seating," Lavi laughed but it was hollow, "I've been er... I've been doing ok enough."

“Well that’s good to hear,” Allen took a bite of one of the scones that lay before him, “I’m glad to see you out and about.”

Link nodded in agreement. He wasn’t one for much words, more of a man of actions though the slight tap on his leg from his partner was a sign that he should say something.

“Lavi, it’s been a while. How’s the publishing business treating you lately?” he asked, taking a sip of his Americano. Coffee and added water, not Lavi’s favourite but he supposed it did have its charms on a day where you needed caffeine but didn’t feel like drinking full-bodied coffee. His own coffee was still cooling to a drinkable temperature.

“It never really stops you know,” he smiled, “There’s always something new to read or some new line edits or changes to be made so I’m never bored with it.” He tested the temperature of his own drink, wishing he could use it as an excuse to not say anything. 

“Well we think it’s good that you’re getting out more. You’ve been missed all this time,” Link wiped powdered sugar from Allen’s mouth, “Say what are you doing tomorrow evening?”

“Well I’m not really planning on going anywhere right now-”

“I have a show coming up featuring one of my compositions!” Allen interjected, mouth half full but the enthusiasm was clear as day, “You should come, I’d really like it if you were there to hear it! I can give you two seats so you can bring that Bakanda along too.” Taking another bite of the scone, he gave Lavi a moment to breathe and also respond.

“Ne, Allen, I’m not sure you know buddy…”

“But you have to! For me?”

“It’s just that I have a lot of work to do and-“

“What if we make a deal?” Allen was pouting now. He could tell when Lavi wasn’t being truthful. In fact, anyone could see the excuses coming from a mile away. Lavi wasn’t his usual self lately and thus, he was easier to read. 

It made him a bit uncomfortable, the thought of going out into a crowd that size and having to be all smiles when he definitely wasn’t in the mood. People tended to talk to you randomly, it was the nature of these events. He could feel both pairs of eyes on him, it felt like they could see him thinking about the pros and cons. Weighing his options, on one hand it would be great to support a friend in his work. Having known Allen for a number of years, he was a talented musician but his dream was to be a composer. Kanda had kept him up to date of these things, having been dragged to every single one by Lenalee but he certainly didn’t mention this one. Lavi knew Kanda didn’t expect him to go and he was right. 

On the other hand, he felt out of his own body and mind and all he wanted to do for the next 50 years was to sit around and do absolutely nothing. He didn’t have the energy for it, the motivation to be fake with people he didn’t know. Hell, he barely had the energy to keep up appearances among his closest friends. That aside, one thing he couldn’t do was disappoint Allen who supported him unconditionally when he first got kicked out by his grandfather. He was a true friend, someone you treasure greatly and Lavi would feel terrible if he didn’t agree to this.

“Ne Allen, I think I need to think about it,” he began, “Maybe you guys can owe me a favour or something in the future but I’m not making any promises right now.”

Allen’s eyes lit up and shone like the warmth of the rising sun. It was good enough for him and even though it wasn’t a promise on coming, he was sure Lavi would come to see the piece being performed. It wasn’t for himself, Allen jut felt like it would do Lavi some good to be out of the house and into activities again. He worried about the older man, isolation did no one any good when it came to living inside your own feelings and Allen knew that all too well. After Mana’s death, it took his adopted father three months to bring him out of the catatonic state he had gone into. It almost ate him alive and in that regard, he was glad for Marian Cross and his persistence. 

“That’s good enough for me. I’ll text Kanda about it tomorrow and confirm. He usually comes with Lenalee and Komui,” somehow, the scones on his plate had all disappeared. He reached out to hold one of Lavi’s hands in his own, “Thanks for thinking about it. It- it really means a lot to us to have you there.”

Link smiled, placing a hand on top of Allen’s. It was something he didn’t need to speak aloud in order to convey. It was uncomfortable to think about but somehow it was also comforting to know that Lavi had friends out in this city aside from his roommate. It was the kind of support money couldn’t buy in any sense of the word; something most people spend their entire lives looking for never to find it. It lasted only a moment but as they removed their hands from his, the warmth lingered beyond it. 

“Well we’re just going to leave you to your own devices. Thanks for the talk, hope you don’t mind just sitting in our presence,” Link warmly ended the conversation.

Lavi sat there with them for the next few hours. The relationship between these two men reminded him of the one he once had. A flavour between fond memories and bitter emptiness. He noticed when their hands went under the table, fingers entwined, and they carried on with their conversation. Between bits of conversation, Link seemed to be catching up on some reading while Allen, headphones in, immersed himself in what Lavi could only assume was music or YouTube videos. It was one of the purest forms of connectedness he had seen in a very long time. The last few years weighing heavily into alienation and isolation for him.

His own coffee, finally cool enough to drink, was a welcome warmth in his stomach. He put in his own pair of headphones, cranked up the volume and drowned out the sound of the busy café with the sounds of Synthwave, a genre of music that he didn’t need to think about, and opened the book he brought with him. This is what he needed after all, just time to be alone and exist in a bubble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little harder to write. The previous drafts didn't have a good flow to them and I'm happy with the way this one turned out.


	5. Chapter 5: Derpession

Kanda stood in the doorway leaving to the living room. Arms crossed, no expression on his face, he surveyed the room. Since yesterday, the Rabbit had been sulking a little more than usual. No coaxing needed to spill the beans, he told Kanda everything, minus how cute he found the couple to be. That would only rub salt into a festering wound. He had agreed to go to the show in the end, the same night he got home in fact. Today, Lavi lay on the couch and stared blankly at the ceiling for most of the morning. He had barely touched his food (Kanda made him breakfast) and by noon, it was stone cold and on the verge of going stale sitting on the coffee table. Sighing inwardly, he thought it best to approach this directly instead of letting the other mull over his thoughts too much.

“You know you don’t have to go tonight, right?” he asked, voice soft and low.

Lavi, drawn out of his thoughts, rose from his lying position and faced his roommate. He knew he didn’t have to go to the show, but he made a deal. A Bookman simply does not go back on his word, it would be unheard of in a generational line which valued following through.

“I know Yuu,” his voice almost a whisper, not wanting to betray his own emotion, “but I want to go and at least show my face”

“You really don’t have to. It’s just stupid little composition by that Beansprout anyway,” Kanda lied. It wasn’t his personal feelings; everything Allen did held significance for the man. Everything about Allen was significant. “There’ll be more shows and you don’t look like you want to be in a crowd like that.”

Lavi sighed, knowing Kanda was right about things but Allen would be disappointed if he didn’t at least show his face. He already confirmed for the night, the ticket was reserved. There was no real going back for him, it would only serve to make Lavi feel worse about himself. He would see himself as a bad friend, the kind that turns his back on a promise to others. It was something he just could have for himself. 

“I promise, if I don’t feel like it, I’ll leave and not force myself,” he smiled weakly, teeth hidden by thin pale lips, “It will be good to get out right?”

This time, Kanda outwardly sighed. There was no winning here. He only had two options, both of which would result in a loss-loss situation. The first was letting Lavi do as he planned, go to the show. Either he could make it to the end, or he’d come right home and be a non-existent mess for a few days to weeks. The second option he has involving forcibly stopping him from going to the theatre with him. It would result in the same outcome but with less time spent talking to Kanda for denying him. All in all, it resulted in a sulky Rabbit but he preferred the option where his best friend would still talk to him. 

“Fine, we leave at 5pm sharp. You better be ready on time.”

Lavi appreciated the crassness to Kanda’s tone. It made him feel a sense of normalcy when everyone else treated him like some fragile being on the verge of being broken. It wasn’t that it wasn’t the case; Lavi did feel like he could break at any moment and shatter into a thousand pieces. He just didn’t want to be made to feel that by the sympathy of others. He rather people treat him normally so that he could continue pretending he was fine when he really needed it. Lavi didn’t consider it enabling his denial about his current situation but rather something that distracted from it. Nodding in agreement, he lay down to stare at the coffee table until it was time to get ready.

\------------------

They arrived at the theatre precisely at 5:30pm. Kanda, if anything, was a very punctual man. Being early meant that they had time to choose the seats they wanted as Allen’s musicians preferred to have informal seating arrangements for most patrons, the booths being reserved in advance. They were dressed well enough, Kanda in a crisp white shirt, black dress pants with matching tie. Shoes and belt matched the blackness of his soul, or so Lavi thought chuckling. It has been a while since they’ve had to go to a formal event and seeing his friend out of casual wear was truly something to behold. Lavi wasn’t badly dressed either. He followed a similar fashion with the addition of a jacket and white scarf so that he didn’t feel so exposed. The shoes were a little too big for him, having borrowed from Kanda’s closet while they worked out how to get his clothes from his grandfather. 

The first familiar face they saw was Lenalee with her brother Komui in tow. It had been years since Lavi had seen Komui Lee. Age had worked its magic on the man, his once youthful features ageing like a fine wine; it only got better as he got older. He’d always been fond of purple, having embellished his suit with proper accents; belt and tie. He’d put money that given free reign, Komui would have worn all purple and given off the impression of being a pimp from the 70’s. Lenalee was a goddess for reigning him in to be more refined. She looked lovely, forest green gown, heavily beaded but the way it flowed around her slender body gave her an otherworldly look. Whenhad she gotten so elegant in this nature? 

“Lavi! Kanda!” she called out, tucking a tuft of hair behind her ear, “you made it!”

“Lena-lady <3” he returned, trying desperately to sound in high spirits, “I’m glad to see you here. On a date?”

“Absolutely NOT,” Komui was quick to the draw, “My precious sister will not be in the company of any filthy man tonight.” It was instinct by now for Komui but he could stop Lenalee from doing what she wanted. Extending his hand and pulling Lavi in to a hug, “It’s so good to see you Lavi. It’s been a long time.”

“It really has Komui, it really has.”

It would be a lie to say he didn’t miss his chosen family. Even now with exchanging pleasantries, the rhetoric seemed the same as ever. All smiles, love and warmth from this group. A solid contrast to what he endured alone in the Bookman estate over the last two and a half years. But now… now was not the time to think about that in the least. It was a night to try to distract himself fromall that was heavy on his mind. 

“Should we head in?” Kanda’s voice interrupted his train of thought. The man was surprisingly good at reading Lavi, even when he was more cryptic to others. 

Nodding, he followed him inside the building, an old theatre from the 1800’s. It still held its charm with large, high ceilings, ornate columns standing firm at the ground and disappearing amongst the red and gold drapery. It wasn’t hard to feel fancy in a place light this; even the golden hued light fixtures transported you to another time and space. 

Komui booked his place in the private booths with Lenalee, leaving the two men the choice of seating amongst the crowd. It wasn’t a hard decision to make: They’d sit close to the back of the room, at the entrance to the aisle. It was practical, just in case they needed to make a quick exit without disturbing anyone. Allen and Link sat near to the front, deep in conversation with the conductor on stage with last minute note and details for the performance. Kanda appeared unfazed by the sight of the snow haired man in a wet fitted suit though Lavi could see the slight twitch of the eye when Link placed a hand on his partner’s waist. 

A flash of red passed them on the way to the centre of the seating area. The scent of Jasmine hung low in the air and the swaying movement of her hips was undeniable. Lavi rubbed his eye in an attempt to clear his vision. It couldn’t he her, could it? It has been a year since she was last in the area, let alone the country. Why would she be here? He tried to relax but on the woman turning, the side profile his already pale complexion whitened as though the life drained out of him. Why was she here?

No, now was not the time to freak out. Now was the time to focus on what was really important, the orchestra. He could feel Kanda’s gaze shift to him, eyes burning into him like magma. Steeling himself, he smiled as the curtains opened to the sound of the piano. A violin joined in soon after, melding together in almost perfect harmony. Soon this love letter to the instruments was broken as the others joined in; the timpani a low rumble in the background of them all, a steady beating much like ones own heart. Much like the heart of the composer himself. Akken always had a knack or drawing himself into his compositions, even when they were in university. 

He was glad he came out to see this, the crescendo of the music taking him to a place where he didn’t have to worry, where there was no expectations and pain. He could sit here all night if he needed to and float away. It reminded him of spring rains and summer breezes. Cool drinks and something he had forgotten over the years. It reminded him of love and light. The music slowed, softening as it brought him back to reality. He had always known Allen to have magical ideas but here on the stage; they came to life. With all good things, they had to come to and end or at least in this case, an intermission. 

Lavi didn’t want to sit alone in the theatre for the next 30 minutes so he followed Kanda to the foyer along with the rest of the audience. He could have sworn Meiling glanced at him during the show and he didn’t want to be caught alone. 

“Do you like it so far?” Allen’s voice, a sudden surprise, “I’ve been working on it for a while now.” The young man beamed like light, smile warm and inviting. 

“Yeah Allen, it’s really something,” Lavi laughed, “You’re magical with the way you write music”

“You’re just buttering me up because we’re friends,” he laughed, placing a hand briefly on Lavi’s shoulder before being swept away by other guests. 

In this brief exchange, Lavi had lost sight of Kanda but figured the man had gone to talk to Lenalee. He figured he might as well stop at the bar for a drink, avoiding the woman in red. 

It had been a year since he last saw her, the woman he was supposed to marry. Right after Miranda’s death, he took his Gramps’ offer to go back to the main house and work to become the successor of the publishing company, a formidable business turned empire. Gramps had a stricter policy this time around, seldomly leaving Lavi alone. He supervised all training, all work and any activities Lavi would have engaged in. There was no breathing room in that house and Lavi had felt the suffocation. Books had been his only escape but the burn out had been real. There was no time to grieve in that house, no time or friends which were deemed trouble. Those phone calls to his best friend were his saving grace. 

Meiling was brought in not too long after Lavis’ routine was re-established. She was a pretty young thing, long hair, slender, kind eyes and a voice which would carry any man to the clouds. Lavi paid her no mind, if Gramps wanted his to work, then he would work. Meiling was not part of that equation and he would give her no false hope that there was a chance he wanted her. Hell, he would marry her on the orders of the old man, but she wouldn’t be loved. She’d be cared for but that was it. He remembered the day she left, tears in her eyes; a damn threatening to break but held back by a strong concrete. He’d broken her heart by not returning her feelings, but the engagement was definitely off. It was better that way.

“It’s been a long time,” Meiling’s voice was still sweet and sticky like golden honey, “Lavi.”

Turning to her, he felt his stomach drop. He needed to leave now before she continued. Nodding to her, he made an attempt to step around her but was blocked by a patron standing directly in front of his way out. Now was not the time for this, he didn’t need this.

“Lavi please, stay and hear what I have to say,” those doe eyes pleaded where her voice did not, “I just-“

With the pathway now opening up, he walked across the room, trying not to run and draw attention to himself. This was not happening here, not now, not in the near or distant future. He was not ready for any of this, coming here had been a mistake. Where was Kanda? Where was he? He needed to find his housemate and get out of here. The steps turned more frantic as he searched the sea of well-tailored suits and gowns, almost colliding into someone. Looking to up apologize for that, he hit his target. One look was all it took before he took his hand and almost dragged him out of the theatre. 

Kanda simply followed Lavi, no words needed to explain why the man was suddenly taking him home. Halfway there, Lavi slowed enough to walk in stride with his friend. Once at Kanda’s door, he lost all energy and slumped to the floor. Kanda, silent since leaving with him, simply unlocked the door and brought him inside. He left Lavi just enough to lock the door and drop the keys on the kitchen counter. 

“Oy, Rabbit,” he picked him off the floor, “there’s better places to sit.” 

Bringing him to the couch, gentle movements placed the man on the couch, loosed his tie and turned to leave. One hand on his shirt, gripping tightly meant he could not do as planned on instead of leaving Kanda sat next to the man. Leaning back to make himself comfortable was a good enough sign to Lavi who moved from holding the shirt to leaning into the man. Kanda wrapped one arm around Lavi, a rare sign of comfort coming from him. No words needed to be said, this was safety. In the darkness of the room, he clung to Kanda and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been taking writing classes while sick so work on this story has slowed while I attempt to sort my health out. Hopefully, we see an increase in writing quality as this course goes on. thank you so much for reading!


End file.
